that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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