I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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