I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
