why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
