hotel room ftw
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
