my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
