you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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