You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
