From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
