That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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