This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
