so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
