shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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