a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
