You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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