Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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