Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
