did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You ruined the universe
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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