HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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