I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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