I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
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Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
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For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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