they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
