My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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