she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
