he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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