when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
