I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
