I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
