Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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