are you still at the devil's house?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store