apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
