Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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