i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
