nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just high enough for therapy.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
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