We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
