my vag is so smooth its legendary
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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