Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
