Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
