You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
