someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
