Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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