i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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