she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
