i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
