Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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