His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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