I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
