During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
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Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
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No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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