Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
