i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Randomize
