I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
