bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
