I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
