My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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