I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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