Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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