this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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