when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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