Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Randomize
