He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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