They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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